Connection and Solitude
Paul was recently interviews by Motif No 3 about story, solitude and social media. Read an excerpt below.
M3: Instagram has truly connected the world in so many facets. It has pushed people from all walks of life to share their creativity, their craft and their story. With that in mind, you call yourself a “story listener.” What does this mean, and how has it affect you?
Paul: I find myself sitting on planes a lot these days. Actually, as I write this I’m on a plane to the next adventure. Well, I like to use the free time to turn off, do some work, edit photos, journal thoughts, sleep and read books. I had picked up my friend Matt Knisley’s book Framing Faith and was reading it on the plane. By the way, it’s a great plane read. In a chapter, he mentions the idea of a story listener and that term really struck me. I soon adopted the term to describe myself.
Storyteller is a great term to describe what a lot of creatives do. But I think sometimes in this connected, consumption-focused society we can take stories for granted and in turn people.
Storylisteners understand a few things.
To tell a good story you first must listen and have care and compassion for the person sharing it.
Telling a good story takes patience, intentional conversation and some level of relationship with the sharer.
Sharing each story should be done with the utmost care and consideration.
M3: We're definitely seeing a resurgence in the importance of relationship in the social media culture. With a plethora of ideas, people and applications jockeying for attention, what is the importance of solitude in our ever demanding digital age?
Paul: I’m a highly relational person. I love big groups of people, small groups whatever. It’s all fun and life giving for me. But in many ways my natural bent is to overvalue relationships therefore basing my identity upon the acceptance or rejection of people I knew or didn’t know. Talk about insecurity and shame. It wasn’t pretty. Learning to stand alone apart from the praises or criticisms of others is a foundational need of not just every creative but every human. The solution is creating a rhythm of solitude. Intentional or unintentional separation for a time from normal life to regroup and quiet ourselves to remember purpose and identity. I’ve discovered who I am when the things and the people and the commitments are stripped away and all that’s left is me. It’s not pretty because you see yourself for who you really are. It takes a lot of bravery and humility and honesty to build this rhythm. But if you want to get healthy it’s a top way.
I’ve begun to model my life after the lifestyle of Jesus. One of frequent solitude in the midst of deep and broad connection. Jesus could’ve spent His entire time in ministry spending every waking second with people or His disciples, but He didn’t. He intentionally disconnected from the crowds to remember the why and remember who He was and who He wasn’t.
There’s many times we should be seeking solitude. Here’s 4.
Yearly, plan a vision retreat week for yourself where you retire to a quiet place like the mountains or a beach.
Quarterly, plan a weekend getaway alone, with a 2-3 close friends or with your spouse.
Weekly, plan a day of each week to disconnect totally from everything and celebrate what you have. Sabbath.
Daily, seek solitude where the purpose is presence. Disconnect the phone and connect with someone you love. Use your lunch break and sit under your desk.
Photography: Joel Bear
Producer: Maggie Bear
M3: Do you see connection and solitude coexisting, and how is that effecting your personal work?
Much like storylistening, to speak you first must listen. And I believe to connect you must first disconnect. Our lives have become a never ending inbox of invitations to go somewhere or do something or go get coffee with so and so, that we’ve gotten decision fatigued. We can’t decide what to say no to so we say yes to everything. But sometimes we need to be ok to say no that coffee or that trip or that random invitation to go sing karaoke. But instead we need to accept the invitation into disconnection. Or else we run the risk of losing ourselves in the process. We get burnt out, spun up and stressed out.
Solitude is very closely related to the idea of uselessness, which is something we must learn to be ok with. This story of an old tree from the Tao story explains my heart for it perfectly. A carpenter and his apprentice were walking together through a large forest. And when they came across a tall, huge, gnarled, old, beautiful oak tree, the carpenter asked his apprentice: "Do you know why this tree is so tall, so huge, so gnarled, so old and beautiful?" The apprentice looked at his master and said: "No . . . why?" "Well," the carpenter said, "because it is useless. If it had been useful it would have been cut long ago and made into tables and chairs, but because it is useless it could grow so tall and so beautiful that you can sit in its shade and relax."
Isn’t that beautiful? It challenges our culture and the status quo so much it is offensive. In order to be most useful we have to detach our identity from what we can do for someone. If “you" isn’t enough, nothing else will be. Get healthy first and then connection becomes a gift instead of a curse. I‘ve spent so much of my life connecting and helping people connect because I myself was seeking purpose and identity, but now because of seeking solitude and presence my motivations when connecting are so much more pure. And If I sense something off I know the thing I need to seek is disconnection not more connection. It’s no easy task seeking solitude, but it’s worth it.
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